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Lufrig was born in the fifth brood of the great dragons Ulusha and Mobelrig. From the moment he cracked his shell, his parents and siblings could tell there was something not quite right about him.
Like all dragons, he started hoarding. But unlike proper dragons who hoard gold, silver, gems, platinum and assorted chocolates, Lufrig hoarded books and paint sets. He also lacked the good-natured cruelty and malice so essential to being a true dragon.
Growing up, he was suitably brutalized by his brothers and sisters. Not minding them (at least not that much), he grew to be a strapping young wyrm who enjoyed painting, reading, and cheese sandwiches.
Quite tired of watching Lufrig paint and hoard books, one day his brothers and sisters bound his wings and tossed him off their parents’ cloud fortress. Not wishing to annoy mom and dad by killing Lufrig, they made sure to drop him into a convenient lake.
Lufrig broke the surface of the lake, sputtering, spitting and thoroughly pissed. Breaking his bonds, he looked up just in time to see his siblings tossing his books, paints and other possessions overboard. Unerringly, each item splashed into the water. Lufrig grimly set about the task of recovering his stuff and set it all on the shore to dry. Exhausted, he flopped down on the sand and drifted off into slumber.
Something bonked Lufrig on the head. Thinking, “smoke and fire, what could it be now?” he opened one green eye and gazed balefully at his surroundings. A short distance away he spotted a bipedal creature he suspected must be a human. Unlike the knights his father had warned him about, this creature did not seem to have any armor or weapons. It did, however, have two odd swellings on its chest.
Thinking that the creature must have been driven mad by some dire chest inflating illness, the kind hearted Lufrig refrained from stomping it into paste. Instead, he said “Do you mind not throwing things at me…I’ve had a rather bad day. I can see your chest is puffed up and that is probably rather painful. But really, that is no excuse for tossing stones at my noggin.”
The creature, who was, in fact, a princess named “Petulana” looked at the dragon and said, “There is nothing wrong with my chest, you nasty reptile.”
Lufrig, peering at her closely said “Well, your chest looks unusually swollen. None of the humans I’ve heard about had that sort of problem. Maybe you should see a doctor and he could bleed you with leeches.”
Annoyed, Petulana shrieked at the dragon, “There is nothing wrong with my chest! This is how a woman should look!”
“Okay, calm down. So, why are you pestering me?”
“You are a dragon aren’t you? Well surely you know the tradition. I’m here to be rescued.”
Puzzled, Lufrig inquired “Rescued? Rescued from what? You don’t seem to be in any danger.”
“Rescued from you, you scaly beast of evil! It is tradition! The dragon catches the princess and holds her until a brave knight comes to her rescue. Here comes one now…I can see Sir RudeChilde approaching…tie me to that tree, quickly!”
“Tie you to a tree? Even if you were my species, I’m not that kind of dragon”, muttered Lufrig, taken aback by her rather brazen suggestion.
“Darn you, you walking chimney! I’ll just do it myself!” True to her word, Petulana tied herself to the tree with a deft and practiced hand. She then cried out “Sir RudeChilde slay this savage beast and take me as your bride!”
“Slay?”
“Why of course, you stinky worm. Dragons capture princesses. Knights kill dragons. Then they get married and live happily ever after.”
“That sounds bad for the dragon.”
“Of course it is, you smoking newt. Now go fight him in melee combat!”
“That sounds dangerous. He’s carrying some kind of big pointy stick…it looks like it could poke somebody’s eye out…”
With a fine sense of showmanship, Sir RudeChilde rode to the top of a slight hill with the morning sun behind him. His armor sparkled like molten silver and his lance threatened…well, like a big pointy stick that could put somebody’s eye out. All in all, he was quite a vision of martial splendor. Tragically, the majesty of the moment was lost when a rather large rock struck RudeChilde in the breastplate, knocking him on his metal clad ass.
Lufrig picked up another rock, just in case, and blew a stream of smoke onto RudeChilde’s horse. Terrified, the horse took off, dragging the poor knight over hill and dale.
“You scaly bastard! You were supposed to go and do glorious battle…not hit him with a rock!”, shrieked Petulana.
“Hell, I didn’t want to get poked in the eye. Now leave me alone. I have some painting to do.”
With the rising of the sun, Sir Reginald of Poxley on the Moor arrived on his white charger.
“Let me guess, you are here to rescue the princess.”
“Yes, foul beast. Prepare for battle!”
“Save me, brave knight!”, cried Petulana, hastily lashing herself to a tree.
“Look, I don’t want her. Just take her and go.”
“What?”
“You heard me. Take her and go home. Tell them how you hacked me to bits.”
“I can’t do that! I am sworn to battle you, vile and stinky lizard.”
“Okay, we’ll do it the hard way”, muttered Lufrig as he picked up a rock.
And so it went. Needless to say, Lufrig was getting rather tired of throwing rocks at the knights, but as a dragon, he was bound to defend his territory. To cut down on wasted time, he would simply fly around the area, dropping rocks on the knights he saw approaching.
One day he saw a horse and a man standing by the edge of his lake. He was about to sling a rock when he saw that the man was painting. Intrigued, he muffled his wings with magic and landed silently behind the man.
“Good brush work, but your colors are a bit off.”
“Thanks…the colors are tough to get…my, you are the dragon! Um, can I get my armor on before you bean me with a rock?”
“Sure, I’m a good sport. But, you don’t seem to be like those other metal clad monkeys. How about I let you just ride away without hitting you with a rock? I’d hate to risk damaging your painting hand.”
“That is very kind of you, good dragon. I’d take up your offer, but a worse fate awaits me if I don’t return victorious, or with at least a suitable wound.”
“What sort of fate, my good fellow?”
“Well, my parents, thinking me worthless and weak and wanting me to prove that I am a real man, gave me three dire choices. I could marry my cousin Grulga One Tooth. I could go and attack the evil Baron Uglurt single-handedly. Or I could fight you and rescue the fair princess. Grulga is hideous beyond all reckoning. Uglurt is known far and wide as a connoisseur of instruments of torture. You, however, just knock knights off their horses with rocks. I can deal with that. Well, let me get my armor on.”
“Wait a second. You mentioned an evil Baron. I’ve read about evil lords. Don’t they like taking princesses as prisoners?”
“Very much so. Why do you ask?”
“Well, the princess I have is very annoying and it would make my life so much better if she was somebody else’s problem.”
“Why not just eat her? You are a dragon.”
“Ah, but I’m not a very violent sort of dragon. Truth be told, I think she would be poisonous-all that anger in her couldn’t be good for my tummy. Also, she always wants me to tie her up, so touching her is just a bit too creepy for me. Here, let me bite a couple chunks out of your shield and put a big dent in your breastplate. That should please your parents.”
“Much obliged. By the way, I’m Prince Rudel.”
“I’m Lufrig. Come back in a little while-I’ll show you how to do your colors better.”
Chuckling to himself, Lufrig flew back to the princess.
The evil Baron Uglurt scowled into his mirror, practicing his evil looks. Just then, one of his disloyal toadies knocked on the door and entered.
“Your badness, there is a dragon here to see you.”
“What? What does it want?”
“He said he has a gift for you, my most malign ruler. He is waiting for you at the front entrance.”
“Very well, toady. I will go speak with him.”
As the toady expected, the baron slipped out his secret back door and ran smack into Lufrig, who was carrying a wriggling sack.
“Ah, baron. Just the man I wanted to see.”
“Ack. Uff. Urgh.”
“Eloquently put, my good fellow. Here is a gift for you. I’d suggest you leave the gag in place.” Having said that, Lufrig dumped Princess Petulana out in front of the baron.
Biting through the gag, Petulana yelled “You reeking reptile! Stuffing me in a sack and dragging me to this place…grrrr!”
Petulana caught sight of the baron who was trying to slip back into his fortress.
“Oh, I suppose you are the big evil baron? I’ve seen sheep with more evil in them. You call this a fortress of darkness? Well let me tell you…”
Lufrig , pleased to be free, lifted off and headed towards his lake.
Prince Rudel and Lufrig established the Lakeside Academy of the Arts. Artists from around the world come to their academy to learn the fine arts and no king, queen or evil baron would be without a LAA trained court artist. Petulana married the baron and they developed a successful line of his and her S&M and torture implements under the brand names “Princess Tie Me Down” and “Bad Boy Baron.” Everyone lived happily ever after.
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